"No man is an island"
Another day of finger exercises in front of the computer has passed and its the wee hours of the morning of the 6th of april 2003, I just can't help feeling a sense of hopelessness...yes that's the word... hopeless...nothing seems to be going right now or more like nothing is going on at all. Ok slam me for being so self absorbed in my own pathetic life, i deserve it. People are dying out there now frm SARS, frm fighting in the war and i'm here complained about something i cannot even define. But wait, I didn't use to be like that, maybe i was a little pessimistic and contemplative but never self absorbed within my own sphere. I gave a damn about what the hell was happening around the world. But now? everything just feels so surreal, and its like i am detached from the reality of things all i need to jolt myself back to life would be a visit to the hospital i guess, just to see the people fighting for their life from SARs or in the Emergency department. Another better one would be to be in Iraq and no i don't mean being embedded with the troops like the reporters but being one of the troops themselves. Well I can see where this blog is going now at least. The area that is lacking and causing this self imposed depression is starting to show itself, conviction. I used to have a great conviction and what I wanted to do in life, who i seriously disliked, who i would gladly love to thrash... its gone. That special part of me is no longer as strong as it was before. No wonder i feel weak nowadays. or maybe its been my indulgence in computer games that have warped my mind ? Too many hours focusing on manuvering battlefield forces in C&C Generals and creating death and destruction for fun. All the time misleading myself from the fact that in real life, its no longer a game, and people really do die.

School's starting on wednesday. I think i've been living too much in the "other" world i'm going to deny myself access to C&C Generals permenantly. Its enough, my over indulgence in computer games over the past few has had great damaging effects to my mental state and made me waste a great amount of time. During the last few days, despite my minimal contact with other human beings someone said something that really hit me hard inside, just like a pin prick that went straight to my heart. He said that the most important thing in life is Friends. And that's one thing I've been missing out on lately. No i don't mean my RJC friends like my classmates and teammates, I mean friends that I think i have somehow neglected since I stepped into this school. Specifically, people like pussy aaron, arif, bibam, john, e 4F guys like denzyl chub quan ning etc , my 4E classmates...yeah...those people... fuck playing computer games on my own, interaction with e AI doesn't do you any good. oh and fuck SARs for the 10 day break that plunged me into this abyss. yeah...nice slip of e tongue for a classic junren style finish.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, April 05, 2003

SARS
yay 10 day holiday due to SARS....guess what? its a quarantine ! no one can go out ! ... so much for it being a "holiday".. as my friend bibam frm hcjc puts it " i was happily training and happily talking to my teammates after training when suddenly one of my teammates happily told me that there's no school ! I happily went to eat dinner and happily told my mother and she happily confined me at home"...sums it up for most people... hahaz but luckily i still get to go out and have a breath of fresh air once in a while... my parents dun care anymore cause i'm hopeless.. yeah... haha anyway i've been using my time really well doing finger exercises on my computer on tuesday and wednesday for the whole day...hardworking right? ... did weights on thursday and friday ( finally something worth doing )... and after pumping my chest like mad today thanks to giant man Ivan pushing me i am very tired so i shall sign off here... thanks man the dumbest blog i have ever written... very albert-ish style


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, April 04, 2003

The Second Coming -- W. B. Yeats

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all convictions, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.



Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?


scary parrallels with reality... going to sleep now cause i've got weights appointment early tomorrow morning... shall analyze e poem tomorrow...e thought of that makes me shudder


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, April 02, 2003