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Lifestyle Changes.
i think i'm wasting away my life. i cannot find the drive and motivation to work. after visiting the US university fair i just feel that i should go to UBC, since its cheaper, easier to get in, has a better lifestyle and is still a recognized university. the ivy leagues seem out of reach for someone like me. -argh- but i want to go to Georgetown, it sounds like the place for me considering that its no.1 in the US for international relations and its located in the heart of Washington D.C with all the great political think tanks are located. imagine getting taught by those professors, the thought of it just exhilarates me. den after lessons i can gym all i like. bike all i want. and still have time to study. how cool is that. i just wonder if i'll make it. sigh. discipline. we need to work. we must. study. study. study. must not spend so much time on the computer anymore. argh i aim to gain enough muscle to reach 95kg. no fat. muscle. i have to start soon. my weights programme is in tatters, because of interfaculty games and all the other bullshit. sigh. i'm living in perpetual fear and uncertainty of what's going to happen. what if i get cut from e u19? shit shit shit. worse still. what if next year i get cut from the school starting line up? aRGH i'm such a worry wart. i should just push these to the back of my mind and fight on, live the life that is worth living, damn the consequences. oh and stop drinking too. posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 26, 2003
i wallow in self obessed self pity while the world continues spinning out there. rugby or academics? what matters more to me? am i even good enough? and if i don't do well for my academics what happens to me then? questions questions. the alcohol in my blood doesn't make it any easier to answer them. S paper or no S paper? ....questions questions. aRGh...so many choices it just feels like a game. and i don't know what kind of cards i should play. i wonder if i even have a trump card in my hand. goodnight world and fuck u school once again.
posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 26, 2003
Black Eyed Peas - where is the love
People killin', people dyin' Children hurt and you hear them cryin' Can you practice what you preach And would you turn the other cheek Father, Father, Father help us Send us some guidance from above 'Cause people got me, got me questionin' Where is the love (Love) everyday the world is poised to spin and the hand of fate plucks victims from among the masses. its hard to believe that in less than 24 hours school has changed so much. the laughter and joy of interfaculty games replaced with a solemn somber mood that permeates the college. i didn't know her but i too felt a sense of loss. i worry about friends who knew her well and wonder why someone could actually give up hope in life. its really frightening and shocking. -sigh- time will never be able to completely heal the emotional wounds inflicted but i just pray that she'll be blessed by god and that everyone will take an important lesson from this incident. no matter what happens, never lose hope in life. that's the most precious thing you have. posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, July 25, 2003
the arrogant bastard's asking for a fist in his face. he thinks its a new world order and he's been crowned king. maybe some bitter medicine will make him think twice. wanted to go in and just punch him but decided not to cause we were playing so well and i didn't want to sub anybody off and get sent off immediately. taunting and pissing his sorry ass off was pretty fun too. hahaz. yeah fuck u, stupid small fuck who thinks he owns the world. .|. lalala wonder if i'll get to sock you sometime soon and break your nose.
apart from that, weiming was just talking about finding a new motivation to go school like a girl or something. -blah- i found something better ! friends ! yes friends won't disappear! posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Thursday, July 24, 2003
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, July 23, 2003
was reading about Michael Phelp's in the New Paper...a key member of the US Swimming team who already holds 3 world championship records...guess what he's only 18 years old. shit man. we're of the same age and he's winning medals getting into the papers. what are we doing? chasing CIP, grades, CCA? *shrug* see how sucky we are compared to him and the many other teenagers in the world who have already made their mark, Wayne Rooney being another good example. -bleah-
posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, July 23, 2003
it astounds me how a group of people who have hardly known each other before can actually come together and produce a fine display. conversely i am exasperated with the fact that within a group of people who have actually known each other for months but are still unable to achieve that. maybe i am just pissed off with the many other commitments you have while i plunge myself into my obessession without consideration for how not doing certain things may affect my future. i used to be pissed off and green with envy. yes i was a snake. but now i am just waiting for the time when you sit there with that desperate look of yours because you ain't out there cause you were never good enough and you never made the effort to try to be. maybe that will burst your irritating and overgrown ego. some may argue that at the end of the day I'll be the sore loser with no CIP points no grades no scholarship. but i won't be, i'll still be able to go to an overseas uni as long as i study and get the grades. fuck the scholarship i don't even want to come back, so why bother? plus i have given up being envious of you. why torment myself by this comparison. i have heart, one of stoney conviction maybe, but all you have is a changing sail that bends to the winds. now tell me, which one is worth more?
posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Time For A Change
the weekend flew by quickly, bringing with it many serious considerations. we won the touch rugby championship on saturday, but what ian said after that still keeps ringing in my ears. the coach will tell them to put it in front of their desk and look at it everyday until they get back the gold, the closest opportunity being the 10s tournament. argh. we cannot get complacent. rugby aside. i realized that i have gradually fallen into what john donne considers the via negativa, placing myself on a collision course with apathy, stress, and eventual self destruction. mother was nagging at me to face life positively and courageously, and i was like, hell going to school and face the shit from teachers and classmates requires a lot of courage. well maybe i ran out of "courage" cause i just couldn't drag myself to school today. niggling neck strain from friday's training din make it any better. And to tell you the truth, if i went it would just be to SPITE the class by not wearing an ethnic costume. yes SPITE, i have tumbled into the abyss without even knowing it. how far can you fall before realizing it man. the emotions cloud the mind. when the hands of the clock ticked pass 730, i just gave up the considerations and got out of bed to get breakfast and began some soul searching. in the process, i found these 2 books among the many military history books that adorn my bookshelves, The Way of Youth by Daisaku Ikeda and Stephen E Ambrose's Band Of Brothers. The Way of Youth = philosphy book, Band oF Brothers = military history. plowing through "The Way Of Youth" in search of answers to my painful self imposed suffering, i found more words of wisdom than i had hoped for. yesterday night someone told me i had to mend my horrible relationship with my parents and another person told me he/she faced the same problem i did. to the person who gave me the advice: thanks, i'll try from now on and thanks for the offer of loaning me your dog. To the other person : i am going to lend you this book, hope it helps you the way it helped me. after reading, i managed to slightly tilt my negative thinking in a positve direction. for one, running away from the problems just like what i have been doing is not courageous, its the act of weaklings. i will face the problem head on. address it. fight it. i've gotta start thinking positive. i'll start today by apologizing. secondly, i will try to change my mindset about dreams and aspirations. to quote the book, "effort, hardwork, that is the bridge that connects your dreams to reality." maybe i still do have a chance to make it to Yale, Brown or Georgetown. its all about time management and i will start to do it effectively from today. if i do it properly, i'll be able to do CIP, play rugby, do weights, study and still have fun. as for Band of Brothers, i'll read it for Mr. evans book review whether he likes it or not. the restriction on readings stifles me, i will read what i want to from today. can't stand it anymore. 101st airborne division, 506th PIR regiment, E(asy) Company and their exploits definitely makes a more entertaining read than charles dickens. yes. time for changes. i have to face life courageously from now on. posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Sunday, July 20, 2003
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