watched pirates again. hahaz was it for keira? maybe. she's stunningly gorgeous. but also because raihan can't watch chinese shows, understandable =P today was great, had lunch with the ruggers at j8 seoul garden. carnivore fest. hehe. but when i got home and sat down in front of the computer the feeling hit me again. just felt empty, cold, alone, sickened.
tried drowning it in beer but it just didn't work. my revelation is that JC life has made me lose my idealism and if not for rugby and friends i would be wirthing in agony. the academics, Cip, girl trouble, parent trouble, the works. sian. promos are soon i gotta find motivation. fast...

terence:he's saving his chasity for his wife
raihan: huh what's that? cha...je...oh jessica!

huh?

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, September 12, 2003

"Odi et amo, quare id facere forasse requiris...Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior" - I hated I loved perhaps you ask why i do it... i don;t know but i feel it and i'm tortured

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Thursday, September 11, 2003

i watched My Sassy Girl twice in a day and its now 2:04am of Wednesday. Its odd that i'm not asleep at this time of the day. well i only 2 reasons why people stay awake. one is to mug, two is because they have troubles. let's see my promos are in 4+ weeks time so i really should be mugging but no that's not it. do i have troubles? erh apart from the ankle which seems to be getting better. yeah i am lovelorn. where's the alpha male just when you need him to cover it all up for you??? just when you need it to hide behind??? well its taken a holiday ever since the ankle got sprained. leaving me to face this so called problem which doesn't really exist. i'm looking for a feeling. no it mustn't be so abstract that it is cannot be described in words but yet at the same time it mustn't be as concrete as a written set of rules. it has to be a fire that burns with passion. the flames as volatile and stunning as a bonfire. the warmth just like an idyllic fireplace in a freezing Russian winter. and its gotta be a two way street. what matters is that two people feel for each other with the same care and concern. its not that way yet. its just a small little crush. and to be smitten just by a little crush is really plain wishful thinking. it takes more than a crush to say you love somebody.


watching the show also made realize something whose existance i have denied for so long:fate. in the show, the girl meets the guy on the day her previous boyfriend died. they start off with hardly any feelings for each other but as they get to know each other they began to fall in love. however their relationship reaches a crossroad when she is unable to forget her ex. they write letters to each other and leave them in a time capsule, promising to meet 2 years later. she never turned up. but he kept constant vigil at the tree where they left each other and their lives together at a standstiill. 1 year later she arrives when she's finally able to bury the past but she doesn't find him. they're constantly in search of each other but they never meet. until one fateful day at a restaurant when the guy's aunt is suppose to introduce him to her. see the role of fate? it helps you meet but it can't help you build the kind of feeling. it can't help you understand people better. all that is up to human effort. however when things get messy you've got to keep trying to clear it up and at the same time trust in fate and God that it WILL clear up. fate's like a major supporting player.


so to put it correctly, i have a crush on you. i just want to get to know you better. so that we'll move beyond this accquaintance level. i might or might not fall in love with you. you might or might not be the one i'm searching for. we might just end up as good friends. to that its all up to fate because no matter what i do i cannot control how you feel. it took a painful month or so in 2002 to made me realize that but thankfully i did and i have to thank the person that put me through all. i'm grateful and i'm glad we're still friends. mistakes this year also made me realize its better to take things slowly so no one will get hurt no matter what happens. so for friendship's sake. won't you give me a chance pls?


to the one i'm looking for, it might be you it might not...
I Believe - My Sassy Girl OST

.....Before I knew you, the world was dazzling.
From that sky I got left with tears.
I will care for that person.

You are the only reason...
To me the wait gives me enough happiness.
Love is the only reason...
As days pass by,
If you forget the way, I'll be waiting
I do it for you.
I do it for you.

ps: i am really starting to sound like a girl. omg i hope i'm not turning gay. where's the alpha male??? argh must find him and get down to the gym soon to avoid falling into this state.
ps2: ok maybe its good to know that there is such a state that exists within me. argh whatever. good morning world.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Tuesday, September 09, 2003