current situation: Avoids excessive effort and needs roots, security, and peaceful companionship

stress sources:Has lost the resilience and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties. Feels overtaxed and getting nowhere, but continues to stand his ground and still pursues his objectives with a fierce intensity. This subjects him to intolerable pressure from which he wants to escape, but he cannot bring himself to make the necessary decision. As a result he remains firmly involved in the problem and can neither view it objectively nor get rid of it--he cannot leave it alone and feels he will only be at peace when he has reached his objective.

restrained characteristics:Insists that his hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense

desired objective:Wants to make up for what he feels he has missed by living with exaggerated intensity; in this way he feels he can break free from all the things that oppress him.

actual problem:The fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him to play his part with an urgent and hectic intensity

actual problem #2:The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities, or his reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. He attempts to remedy this by intense activity and by insistence on getting his own way. Faulty self-control can lead to ungovernable displays of anger.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, September 27, 2003

doesn't it feel great to come home to screaming and shouting? when the first words that always seem to fall out of your mouth happens to be a four lettered epithet. now that just sounds like home. my classic definition. when she tells you shit like "you're going to prove all my colleagues that you're useless" and "i want you to move out next year" the first response going through my head is i would gladly leave and i seriously don't give a flying fuck about what your lousy colleagues think. i think all of you should just burn in hell. guess what it all arose from some stinking tupperware that i couldn't find. stinknig bitch. move out? fine. i hardly spend more than 6 hours a day at home anyway. glady. if only i had a place to go to. its always been drifting between indifference and hate. so what's the point of staying? you don't like me pumping weights? you don't like me taking drugs? you don't like me playing rugby? you don't like the way i do things? you don't like me seeing the physio??????? well take all your thrash and shove it up your own motherfucking anus. well i always think that you brought home the wrong baby that fateful day in the hospital because i was never what you wanted me to be and you just can't accept the fact. in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui while you're one of those in the slave class. the views have always conflicted since day one. the day i pack my bags and leave is the last day you'll see me because i'm never coming back. well its no one's loss anyway since you hate and detest me. but one day i'll make you grovel at my feet when i'm everything you never thought i would become. i'll spit in your face and leave you to die. now who ever said i was a fucking nice guy. looks like i've already reserved a prime piece of real estate in hell for myself.

now where the fuck would i go? find some place and continue my education? i seriously don't think i'll be able to cover costs. so what other alternatives are there? you know i kinda like the idea of going to join some extremist group and get sent to Iraq to fight the Americans. at the pivotal moment i'll turn on those extremist shits and defect. i'll give em the low down on the way they work and hopefully it'll go a long way in frying those bastards. now i heard the deepest pits of hell are reserved for mutineers and traitors, so i guess i was right to say i got myself a prime piece of real estate.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, September 26, 2003

so frayed ankle ligaments it is. should have came earlier, we could have gotten you running by now, she said. and the only thoughts flowing through my mind was "fucking hell, see i told you, stupid fucks who like to keep doing things the OLD way, the way that doesn't work. i wonder what in the fucking blazes of hell could the chinese sinseh have done to help the ligaments recover." so it goes. i'll do things my way from now on since their advice is sorely out of date. they don't know fuck about the world i live in, and never try to understand anyway so there's bloody point. physio sessions lined up... dates to skip school plotted out... hopefully it all goes my way.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Thursday, September 25, 2003

cogito ergo sum. now is that right? or is it cognito? no fucking matter. I think therefore I am. yes and i do think that i am a cold callous bastard who has the potential to be a professional killer. who i am, what i am, i always lay it clearly on the table for all to see and for those worthy enough to judge so stop deluding yourself into thinking that i am mr. nice guy underneath and that i'm just trying very hard to be another fucker when i already am. i know all of you mean well and i appreciate it but i think its too late. the monster is already born. his humanity left somewhere along in the road called life.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Monday, September 22, 2003

under guidance and motivation i managed to take myself apart today, the feeling is like being born again as the blood floods the muscles. i just love this feeling.... *ahhhhhhhhhhh* just makes you feel like you can take on the world and actually win. so once again i'll be locking horns with the world tomorrow...and i will survive. i was right when i said that it maintained my sanity.

but despite that, i now seem to have an eerie aura lingering around. an uncertainty, a fear you might even call it that i'm in a race and i'm losing it very quickly. maybe its because of the lack of productivity or the enormous amount of time wasted on activities that don't matter (weights not included) i have to purge that feeling by making tomorrow count in the mugging programme. its 2 weeks away and i've hardly began. no good no good at all. the outlook seems to be bleak. i want to be the one laughing at the end not the one being laughed at because i'm in tears due to horrid promo grades. the feeling of being able to fight against the tide of events flows through me and by some way i will get things done.


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Sunday, September 21, 2003