at least when i blow my nose now there's no more blood even though the rathering numbing feeling persists. surprisingly i never winced when i saw the blood, i just felt like going in to kill someone to make up for it. no more intoxication from now on, discipline will count for everything from now on. regiment and routine is the only way forward.

Wait a minute I'm passing out
Win or lose just like you
Far more shocking
Than anything i ever knew
How about you
10 more reasons
Why i need somebody new just like you
Far more shocking than anything I ever knew
Right on cue
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Can't Stop

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, February 14, 2004

Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. a well deserved victory. 40+-7 is a decent score. the victory is a gift: gift of confidence that maybe this dream can be realized. thanks for the pleasant gift guys. but as the euphoria and celebrations die down i sit in my solitude at home. fleeting thoughts dart here and there, ghosts of dreams float around, clutching at my very being. a message arrives and i have no idea how to reply. breaking down the walls, tearing at the fabric of my existance. i never really knew you but somehow i felt you some how and i thought you felt me too. but in the end it was all part of a shattered dream that was never meant to be. i have got to let it go. give it up. fate i leave it in your hands. deal me.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, February 14, 2004

as the casket sinks into the hole, i attempt to seal the feelings forever. its a still birth, dead even before anything occurs. tears i've shed one or two but that's e end. last night, lynette & weiming said i shouldn't even think so much. its not worth it since she, in a blesssed ignorance, probably wouldn't even share the same thoughts. so as the soil covers the grave of this unrequitted dream of romance, i throw the rose on the mound. the colour is befitting, leaving the message "You're heavenly". against the setting sun, i walk away from this dream. turning towards tomorrow, joining up with those who have held me up and kept me there, for our first feeble steps towards the inevitable meeting with destiny. they will be there when i fall, they will pick me up and give me the courage to continue fighting for brotherhood lasts a long time. maybe some day life will grow from the grave i left behind. but for now, in the dark of the night it remains cold and looks set to remain that way.

take, O take those lips away,
that so sweetly were forsworn;
and those eyes, the break of day,
lights that do mislead the morn;
BUt my kisses bring again, bring again;
Seals of love, but sealed in vain
sealed in vain Measure for Measure (IV.i) by William Shakespeare.

on another note: dude good luck for tomorrow. my hopes on you pal.


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, February 13, 2004

walking out of school with jx today while everyone else was having fun at total defence day celebrations.

me: jx, i think school sucks.
jx: welcome to my club
me: did you ever feel like that in RI?
jx: no
me: i bet its because of girls...
jx: no its just the school



posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, February 13, 2004

and so i attempt to bury the white thread of feelings in a deep part of the soul. maybe dreaming that there might be a day when she'll come and open it to discover the love that still beats. for now, i'll stand back and observe, seeking to preserve the status quo and hopefully her happiness. sometimes i can't help but feel that my life would be so much easier when this part of me has died. just when i'm starting to believe the idea that i really am a machine, these human feelings of love creep in and destroy the facade that i have so painstakingly built up. leaving me crushed inside and muttering a plea for the mechanical feel to take hold of me once again.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Thursday, February 12, 2004

We strike quick with hard kicks, duckin ice picks
Bare-knuckle men through fight pits, beat you lifeless
Never survive this! Get forget like Alzheimer's
Two-face rappers, walk away with four shiners
.........................................................................
Despite the cover of night, trackin your flight
Like guerilla warfare, where the grass is dense
Approachin me is a quick way to get referred to in the past tense

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, February 11, 2004

hey you. yeah you. you know i'm talking to you. after your recent escapades i think you're in a better position to pull it off. yeah you know what i'm talking about. considering the fact that i ain't going out on sat, a lot of my hopes are pinned on you brother. don't let us down man. go for it.

when living in darkness there's always pockets of hope that we overlook. by drawing on these reserves, maybe, just maybe we can be lead to believe that what the future holds might be better. misled and mistaken, i take the step to the end with each and every word i write. falling into this abyss of lost hope and soon to be shattered dream.

in my darkness only one light burns to guide my path. lighting up the path to glory, with each and every step we move to redeem ourselves and reclaim what we own. our courage has failed us before and left us down-trodden with our dreams left in tattered pieces. or worse, raped and left to bear the humiliation and trauma. but rise we will and at the end of the road, there'll be blood, sweat & cheers. but above all green black white will fly proud and high above the vanquished mighty against the setting sun, singing the swansong of those who believed and rose above all to triumph. that is the only hope i have to hang on to.

song of the moment: Deep inside of you - third eye blind
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you 'cause I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Tuesday, February 10, 2004

i wonder if the falling star ever feels alone as it makes his epic voyage across the galaxy. they say "no man is an island" indeed its true. he spoke of loneliness and i think i feel it at times too. somehow the companionship of brotherhood seems to be faltering. increasingly i feel a hole where once there was only satisfaction at ignorance. things change but life has to go on.

the true companions of a warrior are beside him always, during the difficulty times and the easy times. - Paulo Coelho

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Sunday, February 08, 2004