"I have a dream..." - Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream. One day, I will be able to go through training and be able to say that I have helped to push a teammate on beyond his limits. Because now I'm the one who;s getting pushed and i really appreciate the help i get from e people pushing me. For those who told me to freaking keep up in e grid run and those who kept on telling me to keep going during e triangles ,Thanks you all know who you are, i won't let you all down anymore. I guess that's what teammates are for cause we all want the bloody gold so badly. No more giving up. No more. i will not make you all do anymore fucking laps in the future, i promise, run until i really get a fucking heart attack. No more let downs.Its over.

I have a dream. One day, I will be able to pack my bags and leave this country with beautiful memories of my school days in singapore and be bound for a top quality university education in America. ( Georgetown or Upenn i hope ) Do a double major in International relations and Finance. its enough shitting around for academcis too. Enough shitting around for everything. Time to buck up. Its time to get to serious stuff. For rugby and for work. aye got to do SAT I and II this year. I will pull through i will fulfill my dream.

Dream. Dream. Dream. Dreams will come true. Opportunities will arise and present themselves. Take it. Fight for it. Believe in the dream. And the dream will be fulfilled.

PS: To A01A, -bleah- everytime go out with you all and end up talking i always feel damn depressed. Haha i think our class thinks too much just like our senior class. fuck manz lets cut it out and be happy people. cut the stereotyped depressed humanities scholar. cut it all out manz. Don't worry about points and all. Just think about what you're doing. Is it fulfilling? Does it make you happy? if it does its enough and that will do. Why think so much about scholarship and plan how to get it? you'll just be so fucked up through out, is it worth it? think about it for yourselves. I am happy just playing rugby and studying. I don't give a damn about having a ga-zillion ccas, just do stuff that you think will be fulfilling. In life what matters is to be truth to yourself, only then will you find true happiness.

To gillian, thanks-a-zillion for that entry on your blog. I really appreciate it. I didn't know jimmy was going through the same thing too, aye must find him and tok kok and go out more often. Yeah I thought about it i have found my niche in RJ and life won't be that bad. I guess you found your niche in HC too. You'll have fun there. Thanks so much.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Thursday, April 17, 2003

Life's A Piss

life sucks. depression. despondent. all i can say is that i have a lot of negative energy built up in me now. nothing seems to be able to cheer me up, i hardly laughed while watching PCK. I feel like a weak fuck. in e canteen after sch, was talking to dom bout some shithead frm his class and he was like "what's so and so?" den i was like "weak fuck!" "weak fuck!" "weak fuck!" but guess what now i'm e weak fuck. I was just thinking about yesterday's PT, and i realize that i suck. I know i did weights over e weekend so there's not enough time for e muscles to rest but still that's not an excuse. And i know for damn sure that my running sucks like shit. what to do now ? in front of the mirror i see a slob. fucking fat slob. e season's coming in 2 weeks so its like aRGh... e 3 weeks in June will be when i drill myself. I promise myself this i will lose weight till 80kg. i mean it and shed e fat too. oh and bring down my 2.4 timing to 10mins. I can do it. I know i can. just whether i fucking give up or not. fuck lar whole time always fucking give up fucking loser lor can u fucking wake up your bloody ideas? be a fucking man and follow through on what u want to fucking do can? e main thing about life is to be true to yourself, ok i haven't been fuckin true to myself. fucking liar. aye must arrange with ivan for intensive weights den i'll do cardio on my own every morning. and mustn't forget studying for common test....after reading "so and so"'s blog i just don't feel good enough i'll kick his fucking jibai ass...think he canoeist means he damn big zongxian can farking kick his ass lor.....not to mention all e hcjc canoiests..i'm sure David Zhang bernard gabriel chan heng hui n gang will be able to fucking thrash them in nationals...

aye speaking of hcjc i think i'm still stuck in e depression that came 1 mth later than everyone else. I don't get it on training days cause well training is fucking tough and also reminds me why e fuck i came here anyway. But on e off days or when i have free time to think i just feel like maybe my reason isn't good enough, i mean e hc environment is definitely much warmer for me @ least on e whole, no insult meant to my rj friends, teammates and classmates.was relating some experiences in secondary sch to my classmate today when i realized so many of the people that went through that with me aren't that close anymore cause we're in e different sch and cause its my fault and my choice. really felt like crying. but fuck nan zi han da zhang fu how to cry? especially when there's girls around. but den I mean seeing sooooooo many people that you know personally definitely makes e trauma of school easier to handle considerin e fact that you know sooooo many of ur close mates are going through e same shit, But yeah maybe i'm exaggerating cause my rj teammates, friends and classmates are going through shit too. worse shit for e j2s considerin they have common tests and a's are just on e horizon while they still haf to juggle rugby and lessons and hw. some sacrifice studies just to play e sport. aren;t they feeling fucked up about life sometimes too? don;t they count for anything? of course they do. yes they do so i should stop being so fucking mopey and depressed. I mean fuck it, pick yourself up, get a life, and get going can? press on and fight on. it'll get better. it can only get better. it must. or else what's e point in living if life only gets sadder as you grow older and even more jaded? there's training tomorrow. time to put all that negative energy to good use. i want a "hit e coach" session. fuck its all over now. new day new beginning.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Tuesday, April 15, 2003