You're of the "I hate school"
breed!
You just hate going to school
and can't stand waking up every day just for
school. But no choice, you just force your way
through school and when the time comes, you
leave the country for other, better education
systems. Bah, at least you have the resources
to do so, you rich/smart bugger!!


Which Stereotypical Singaporean Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

WOW THIS IS SO TRUE. WOAHZ........

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 12, 2003

someone just told me that my blog is scary. well yeah it is. but that's just the way my life is nowadays. a big black hole that sucks me in. i can scream for all i care but no one will ever hear me. the iron grip it has on me just won't let go as i fall deeper and deeper into this abyss of self destruction. i just try ways to escape this reality, this suspension in fear. so what if i have good grades ( not that i do...BBF won't exactly qualify as great but who cares ) it won't get me to a great university. (after that civics lesson on all the shit required like responsibility,integrity,puntuality, popularity..blah blah blah... i figured i should just go to a second tier university and look to transfer. since people here are never fair judges who don't look into all aspects of your life and i've already been sacked as the CT rep. yes fuck. how loser is that. hahahaha...bloody fuck never mind its better like that..wash my hands of everything can hang out with e ruggers without having to feel guility about being the CT rep and not doing anything for class spirit which i nowadays can hardly give a fuck about.) it won't mean that things will go back to the way it was before. it won't mean that you'll be beside me once again. seriously i am just lost without any direction and hardly any passion for life.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 12, 2003

tired of living. tired of this life. i miss you and i miss the way everything was before. i miss the person i used to be. i hate the way i am living now. i hate the way things are happening. i hate some of the people around me now. i hate being stifled. i hate the fact that i don't have the time to enjoy the simpler things in life, god's creation, nature. i love the sunrise, the sunset, the sea, mountains, the beauty of nature. maybe what i need is a holiday to just chill out and see the world, to remind myself that life isn't all that dreary. sleep would be a great form of temporary escape. aye that's what i'll do since i'm gyming tomorrow. only there i have control over what i do and the outcome of it. a power that i no longer have over my own destiny. plus the pain just numbs the senses and focus the mind on the weight, taking it off the many other problems and troubles in life. troubles. life's full of them. well that's ok but its not ok when somehow your heart and passion is sucked out from under you and you just can't find the resolve and need to combat these obstacles. i don't know. my life is a big uncertainty. its scary not to know what your future will be like. fear engulfs me. suffocates me. sucks the life, heart and passion from me.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 12, 2003

sometimes i question who i am and what i am supposed to be. a doctor jackal and mr hyde mentality has seemed to develop over the months. i hide everything behind the facade of a blood thirsty monster while deep inside i remain a 16 year old kid with hardly any idea of who he is. but that side of me is slowly dying. assimilated by the monster on the outside, i feel like i am losing myself. i hardly know myself anymore. i used to be different.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Saturday, July 12, 2003

the lactic floods the muscles. the aching pain fills the senses. power and strength is forged in the fires of adversity. the pain is merely temporary and of no particular significance.

reflections
i didn't dare to look at you. i was scared that you might have changed. changed as much as i have. to the extent where i hardly know myself anymore. somehow i feel afraid to know you again but yet at the same time, i am drawn to reaffirm and maintain our relationship. why? because i can't help but keep a certain feeling for you. something that i wouldn't call love but i wouldn't call friendship as well. its hard to put it into words. i just can't define it. but no matter what this feeling is, the seemingly unbridgable divide that has grown between us is like acid that burns a hole in my heart. i don't know if i still know you. you were easy going, friendly, enthusiastic, optimisitc, fun loving, and happy. yes happy. your cheerfulness and hope just seemed to boost me whenever i fell. you were always there. i wonder if you're still like that. its just.... i can't help but feel we're not that close anymore. maybe my pretenous surroundings in class has exacerbated my desire for your simple, cheerful and hopeful view of life. we walked together for a very long time, we were brothers for the longest time, in the past you dragged me up when i was down. the thought of us walking pass each other as complete strangers just scares me greatly.now i just don't want to lose you in life's journey.

common tests
i guess i'll scrape through the common tests with a BBF, with my literature grades still pending. but i doubt they'll be great. at least i know there's still some chance they'll want to offer me 2 'S' papers at the end of the year for my favourite subjects. just have to see if i want to take them or not cause i just can't seem to see their purpose. oh well it doesn't matter i know i made better use of my june hols den some other people who just camped home to mug the whole of it. so it doesn't matter if they get higher marks. well the point i am trying to make here is simple. to quote jianwei's favourite saying, "I'm DA MARN ! " and even if i didn't do as well as some other people, I still am.


posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Friday, July 11, 2003

pretenous people dominate the world.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, July 09, 2003

i : "i'm damn tired from the under19 trials do you think you can give me a ride to school tomorrow?"
parent:"find your own way to school, do i look like your driver?"
i : "what the fuck manz...so much for supportive parents"
this morning,...
parent:"what are you doing here? you are going to be late!"
i : "i seriously cannot give a fuck about school or any of this bullshit you call life."

so much for that. its all fucked up. school. parents. everything. only rugby keeps me sane it seems. maybe its the pain. maybe its the rage. or maybe its the feeling that you will always have somebody to back you up during the game. mayybe maybe. all thye knew how to do is judge you based on your grades, based on what you show, nobody really cares who you are inside and what shit you have to go through. and what right do they have to judge you? let them be. i will work to get myself up and running again. to fall is natural, but not to dust yourself off and get up to continue to race is a tragedy.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Wednesday, July 09, 2003

its encouraging to know that we still live under the same starry night sky, over the past 3 months we have just drifted apart. now the distance is as far as the physical one that existed for the past few months and will be restored in a matter of days. some people say its 10,000 miles but sometimes it just feels longer. for these past few days, its hard to be so near yet so far from you. a paradox. indeed. physical and emotional void. temporarily the physical one maybe bridged..but the emotional bridge remains in tatters. -sigh- i am sorry it turned out this way but i don't know what caused it. maybe its time. maybe its the physical divide. maybe its more than that. i miss you. i really do. but for now i'll just take solace in the few converastions that we have and the fact that we still live under the same starry night sky, no matter how physically and emotionally far apart we may be.



posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Tuesday, July 08, 2003

finally finished downloading Rocky IV today. its damn nice and inspirational. Apollo creed got killed by drago and yeah Rocky avenged him. predictable show but still the combination of imagery and music turns it into a spectacle to behold. people who can't appreciate the show will call it trashy though. oh well one man's meat is another man's poison. I just couldn't help getting the feeling of a certain adrenaline rush when watching it. waiting for the other 4 in the series to be downloaded now. -yawn-
back to school tomorrow. i hate school. and i haven't read evan's book. aiya who cares if he asks me i will talk about Rocky IV and make him puke in disgust of my 'crude' tastes.

posted by Down the rabbit hole we go. at Monday, July 07, 2003